Sign of Middle Age
Middle age is when you finally get your head together and your body starts to fall apart.
Time for a Visit
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I have a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”
“Great. Where do you live?”
“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.” “Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”
Pete Answered, “Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”
Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
One Chicken, Two Chicken
Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.
“Three pounds,” he says.
“That’s too scrawny; don’t you have something bigger?” Mrs. Fleshman asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.
“Three and a half pounds,” he says.
“That looks better,” says Mrs. Fleshman. “I’ll take them both.”
Sign in a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”