On The Lighter Side (March 2016)

Funny Jokes for Church BulletinConfusing Password
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

Late Again
Tour guide: “And this is where the Magna Carta was signed.”
Tourist: “When did this happen?”
Tour guide: “Twelve fifteen.”
Tourist: “Wouldn’t you know it. We only missed it by 25 minutes.”

Never Ever
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

Military Pranks
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas.
• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it.
• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can).

Wrong Lesson Learned
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”

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