UNUSED 4 [143 words] Watch Your Step One fall day a young mother and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” The youngest child, a four-year-old, asked, “Better not squash what?”...
UNUSED 7 [266 words] Over the Counter “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.” Not on the Same Page A little girl had just started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said,...
UNUSED 8 [116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not...
UNUSED 6 Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his...
UNUSED 5 [191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large...
UNUSED 4 [96 words] Dad Jokes Q: How many apples grow on a tree? A: All of them. Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, not atmosphere. Lack of Knowledge Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room...
UNUSED 3 [131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like...
UNUSED 2 [214 words] April Groaners Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower? A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When...
UNUSED 6 [233 words] ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Spring Fever Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another...
UNUSED 3 The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He...
UNUSED 1[415 words] MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.” Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your...
UNUSED 4[194 words] Dream Valentine One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” Jim said. That evening, Jim home with...
UNUSED 2[227 words] All in How You View It An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect Timing The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church,...
UNUSED 1 A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now...
UNUSED 1 “We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD , iPad, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. “Then I discovered my phone battery was flat and, to top it all off, it was raining outside so I couldn’t play golf. “I...
UNUSED 1A proud and confident genius makes a bet with a dummy. The genius says, “Hey dummy, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The dummy says, “Okay.”...
UNUSED 0“Dear God: I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.” – We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally...
UNUSED 1First Job Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would...
UNUSED 1Method of Identification Wally and Dallas, each bought a horse and they rode them together for the summer. When winter came, they didn’t want to pay to have them stabled for the winter. Instead, they decided to release them in a pasture and get them in the spring. Wally asked, “How’re we going to...
UNUSED 0Fifty-Fifty The editor of a small-town newspaper, furious over several bills that had just been passed, printed a scathing editorial with the enormous headline, “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS.” Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on the editor to print a retraction. He finally gave in to their demands and ran...
UNUSED 2Lunch Time Joey: “I don’t want to take my little sister fishing. Last time I didn’t catch a single fish.” Mother: “I’ll talk to her. This time she won’t make any noise.” Joey: “It wasn’t the noise. She ate all the bait!” Click It or Ticket A lady who was speeding was pulled over...
UNUSED 0Repentance: Tax Style After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.” Renters’ Excuses These tenants gave landlords creative reasons for...
UNUSED 0Confusing Password I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in....
UNUSED 0[199 words] Cookie Knowledge As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. “You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old. “Don’t worry. Santa will never know.” He shot me a...
UNUSED 0[205 words] Heavy Holidays The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?” “We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part...
UNUSED 0[230 words] How to Get to Heaven? A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every...
UNUSED 0[344 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That“s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t...
UNUSED 0[340 words] Nice Guy One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very...
UNUSED 0[327 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t...
UNUSED 0[119 words] “Wouldn’t you hate to wear glasses all the time?” asked Billy of his friend. “Noooo,” his friend answered. “Not if I had the kind grandma wears. She sees how to fix a lot of things, and she sees a lot of nice thing to do on a rainy day, and she sees...
UNUSED 0Flash Photography When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to...
UNUSED 2Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn...
UNUSED 0Sign of Middle Age Middle age is when you finally get your head together and your body starts to fall apart. Time for a Visit Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about...
UNUSED 0Can’t Fool Me So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.” At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab...
UNUSED 0Quick Thinking There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. “Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him,...
UNUSED 9Some Christians, by the way they are living their lives, would obviously like for some of the songs we sing to be changed to the following: * I Surrender Some * It is Fairly Well with My Soul * Fill My Spoon, Lord * Oh, How I Like Jesus * He’s a Little Bit to...
UNUSED 7A family is riding in the family car and an advertisement for a current movie comes on the radio. At the end of the advertisement comes the disclaimer, “Opens Friday in a theater near you! This film contains intense thematic material, graphic violence, nudity, strong sexual situations, drug content and course language. May not be...
UNUSED 0A newspaper reporter was interviewing an old farmer and asked him to what he would attribute his success as a farmer. With a twinkle in his eye the man replied, “It’s been about 50 percent weather, 50 percent good luck, and the rest is brains.”...
