Humor

On the Lighter Side (March 2023)

Lesson Learned! A businessman was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later–same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?” “Yes, I have,” said the man. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.” — “If you…

On the Lighter Side (January 2023)

Just the Nine of Us In Budapest, a man goes to the preacher and complains, “Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?” The preacher answers, “Take your goat into the room with you.” The man in incredulous, but the preacher insists. “Do as I say and…

On the Lighter Side (December 2022)

The Lost Purse A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy…

On the Lighter Side (November 2022)

Fall Groaners Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? A: Plymouth Rock. Q: Why did the pumpkin lose the boxing match? A: He let his gourd down. Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive, what would they be most famous for? A: Their age. Q: Why do birds fly south for the…

On the Lighter Side (September 2022)

Calling in Sick Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There on…

On the Lighter Side (July 2022)

A mangy-looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can pay for your meal.” The guy admits, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me my supper?” The…

On the Lighter Side (June 2022)

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?” “Fertilizer,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy. “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer. “You…

On the Lighter Side (May 2022)

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a…

On the Lighter Side (April 2022)

So is a person who takes care of hens a chicken tender? — Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company. She told the agent, “We had that barn insured for $50,000, and I want my money.”  The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like…
Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (May 2013)

As a man is walking down the street with his friend, he says, “Look at me. I’m a walking economy.” His friend replies, “And just how do you figure that?” “Well, my hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me in deep depression.…
Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (April 2013)

Vengeance is mine,” thus sayeth the Little Guy. Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch. As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him and laughed in…

On the Lighter Side (February 2022)

Never fall in love with a pastry chef. He’ll only dessert you. Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.” Woman:…

On the Lighter Side (January 2022)

Winter Q&A’sQ: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?A: “Why does everything smell like carrots?” Q: Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?A: Aunt Artica! Q: What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?A: She gave him the cold shoulder. New England HomeMy husband and I purchased an old home in Northern…

On the Lighter Side (December 2021)

[145 words] New Year’s Laughers Q: What is a New Year’s resolution?A: Something that goes in one year and out the other. Q: What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution?A: To make new friends.  Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to. An optimist stays…

On the Lighter Side (October 2021)

Let’s Get CookingA new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping. This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?” Q: How do you…

On the Lighter Side (August 2021)

[181 words] Miniature GolfIt was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids. “Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully. “I am” said one. “No, I am” said another. “No,” the father said, “their mother is!” Well That Makes SenseVacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local…

On the Lighter Side (July 2021)

[168 words] Back to School FunniesWhat kind of school do you go to if you’re……an ice cream man? Sundae school.…a giant? High school.…a surfer? Boarding school.…King Arthur? Knight school. Mom: What did you do at school today?Mark: We did a guessing game.Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.Mark: That’s right! Teacher: Daniel,…

On the Lighter Side (May 2021)

Employment OpportunitiesI told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a five percent raise.Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and…

On the Lighter Side (April 2021)

From Adam’s RibDuring a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings. The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong. His reply…

On the Lighter Side (March 2021)

Planned AbsenteeismA college faculty member received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Is this a problem?” Knock Knock.Who’s there?Control Freak.Con…OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?” Q: Why…

On the Lighter Side (February 2021)

My Punny Valentine Q: What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day?A: I wuv you watts and watts! Q: What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day?A: Hogs and kisses. Q: Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day?A: They are very scent-imental creatures. Q: What did the painter…

On the Lighter Side (January 2021)

Governmental Talent Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.” Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just…

On the Lighter Side (December 2020)

We Need a Riddle Christmas Q: What do you call Santa’s little helpers?A: Subordinate clauses. Q: Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital?A: Because he has private elf care! Q: What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?A: Elfis. Q: What do you call a broke Santa?A: Saint Nickel-less Q: What…

On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

[152 words] Thanksgiving Funnies Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?A: He sensed fowl play. Q: If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?A: A goblet. Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?A: Because he had his own drumsticks.”…

On The Lighter Side (October 2020)

A Punny Fall Q: Why did the lions move at the end of summer?A: Because the pride goeth before the fall! Did you hear about the tree who deserted the forest at the end of fall?He was absent without leaves! Q: Why do trees hate going back to school in the fall?A: Because they’re easily…

On the Lighter Side (September 2020)

Things Are Tough All OverMy wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low… She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, “Why in the world did they start charging…

On the Lighter Side (August 2020)

[116 words] Back to SchoolMy teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.I told them, “Just you wait!” What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew.” Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in…

On the Lighter Side (July 2020)

[86 words] The LegalistA guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”“That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”“Yes. Now what’s your third question?” My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”I texted him back:…

On the Lighter Side (June 2020)

Father Funnies Son: Dad, I’m hungry.Dad: Hello, Hungry, I’m Dad.Son: Dad, I’m serious.Dad: I thought you were Hungry? You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales. Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Being a great father is like…

On the Lighter Side (May 2020)

[102 words] Corny Mom RiddlesQ: What did the mother rope say to her child?A: Don’t be knotty. Q: What did the mother spider say to her baby spider?A: You spend too much time on the web. Q: Why did the monster’s mom knit him three socks?A: Because he grew another foot. Q: What do you…

On the Lighter Side (April 2020)

The Yolk’s On You Q: What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?A: Hip-hop! Q: What did one Easter egg say to the other?A: “Heard any good yolks today?” Q: Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?A: It might crack up! Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of…

On the Lighter Side (March 2020)

Now There’s the ProblemOld man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat…

On the Lighter Side (February 2020)

[628 words] History According to SchoolchildrenThe following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all…

On the Lighter Side (January 2020)

Funny ValentineA little boy found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” The boy studied the frog, then put it in his pocket. “Hey,” the frog croaked, “how come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog than a princess any day!” NewsworthyTwo antennae met on a…

On the Lighter Side (December 2019)

[132 words] Punny New Year A New Year’s resolution is something that does in one year and out the other. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year Eve, middle age is when you’re forced to. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look…

On the Lighter Side (November 2019)

[110 words] Jokes on Ice Q: What did one snowman say to the other?A: Do you smell carrots? Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighborhood?A: On his ice-icle. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?A: Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies. Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?A: Snow-mobile. Q:…

On the Lighter Side (October 2019)

[107 words] High-Dollar AdviceA man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?”The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.””Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks.”Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?” Silly RiddlesQ: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?A: Same middle…

On the Lighter Side (September 2019)

[206 words] Fall RiddlesQ: What is a tree’s least favorite month of the year?A: Sep-timber! Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?A: The Crossing Gourd. Q: What is the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?A: Pumpkin Pi…

On the Lighter Side (August 2019)

[241 words] Holidays Are OverThe summer was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” the mother said. “I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.” Doing Their…

On the Lighter Side (July 2019)

[195 words] A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give…
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