On the Lighter Side (January 2020)

Funny ValentineA little boy found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” The boy studied the frog, then put it in his pocket. “Hey,” the frog croaked, “how come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog than a princess any day!” NewsworthyTwo antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn’t fancy. The reception, however, was excellent. I Toad You OnceA prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the…

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On the Lighter Side (December 2019)

[132 words] Punny New Year A New Year’s resolution is something that does in one year and out the other. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year Eve, middle age is when you’re forced to. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year. My New…
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On the Lighter Side (November 2019)

[110 words] Jokes on Ice Q: What did one snowman say to the other?A: Do you smell carrots? Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighborhood?A: On his ice-icle. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?A: Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies. Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?A: Snow-mobile. Q: Where does a snowman keep all his money?A: At the local snow bank. Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?A: Ice caps. Q: Where do snowmen get the weather report?A: The Winternet. Q: What did the police officer say when he saw the snowman…
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On the Lighter Side (October 2019)

[107 words] High-Dollar AdviceA man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?”The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.””Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks.”Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?” Silly RiddlesQ: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?A: Same middle name. Q: How many sides are there to a circle? A: Two. The inside and the outside. Too PunnyI can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog….
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On the Lighter Side (September 2019)

[206 words] Fall RiddlesQ: What is a tree’s least favorite month of the year?A: Sep-timber! Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?A: The Crossing Gourd. Q: What is the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?A: Pumpkin Pi Q: What is it called when a tree takes time off from work in autumn?A: Paid leaf. Q: Why did the apple pie cry?A: It’s peelings were hurt! DoggygramA dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and…
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On the Lighter Side (August 2019)

[241 words] Holidays Are OverThe summer was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” the mother said. “I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.” Doing Their Homework!When Dad came home he was astonished to see Vic sitting on a horse, writing something.  “What on earth are you doing there?” he asked. “Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal.” Answered Vic, “That’s why I’m here and…
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On the Lighter Side (July 2019)

[195 words] A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?” “Because I fit in the chairs.” She got the job. – Two Year Old Logic My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and…
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On the Lighter Side (June 2019)

[220 words] Dad Jokes My dad used to carry around a frayed knot in his pocket just an old tied up piece of rope. Then any time someone asked him something and the answer was, “no”, he would just pull out the frayed knot and say, “‘fraid not!” and he would burst out laughing. Nobody else thought it was funny. I asked my dad to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.” Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you…
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On the Lighter Side (May 2019)

[315 words] Come Out and PlayGeorge knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play?””No,” said the mother, “it’s too cold.””Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?” Three Gifts for MomThree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said,” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both…
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On the Lighter Side (April 2019)

[187 words] Spring Funnies Q: Does February like March?A: No, but April May Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A: During APE-ril showers Q: What season is it best to go on a trampoline?A: Spring time Q: What do you call a rabbit with flees?A: Bugs Bunny Q: What goes up when the rain goes down?A: Umbrellas Q: What month of the year is the shortest?A: May (only 3 letters) Q: Name a bow that can’t be tied.A: A rainbow Q: What’s Irish and comes out in Spring?A: Paddy O’Furniture Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (February 2013)

[427 words] On her birthday morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening just before her birthday celebration, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.” — A group’ of children were asked in Sunday morning Bible class, “Why do you love the Lord?” One child responded, “I don’t know, sir, I guess it just runs in our family.”…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (January 2013)

[506 words] Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child. I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” — John: “Why is Tony pacing the floor like that?” Jim: “Well, he’s terribly worried about his wife.” John: “Why? What does she have?” Jim? “His new car.” — Mike: “Is it true…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (December 2014)

[328 words] Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.” — A man was applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas? — A mother was looking over her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with __.” His response: “Receipts.” — Q: What does December have that other months don’t have? A: The letter D. — After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (November 2014)

[397 words] A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.” — In writing his resume for a full-time position, an applicant described his summer job as purchasing, being responsible for the accuracy of…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (March 2019)

[258 words] Too Many CatsTeacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Six.”Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven!”Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (October 2014)

[430 words] A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?” — According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud….
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (September 2014)

[445 words] Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, an elderly woman received a jury duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year,” she replied. ”You have to fill them out every year.” “Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?” — Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s Independence Hall last October. A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (August 2014)

[436 words] Donna’s father was visiting for a week, and since he was a pretty good fix-it man, she left him a note before she went to work. It read: “Dad, mileage counter on treadmill not working. Any ideas? Love, Donna.” When she returned home, she read his reply: “Donna, walk until you get tired. Love, Dad.” — After a day of listening to my eighth graders exchange gossip, I decided to quote Mark Twain to them: “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (July 2014)

[396 words] A little boy and his daddy were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one, and the daddy asked the boy which one he wanted. The lad pointed to a pup whose tail was wagging furiously and said, “That one with the happy ending!” – How Adam Had It Easy 1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married. 2. He had no in-laws to drop in. 3. There were no “Jones” for him to keep up with. 4. There were no credit cards or shopping centers….
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (June 2014)

[374 words] A none-too-alert motorist sat motionless behind the wheel of his car. The traffic signal changed from green to yellow to red and back to green again. Still he sat staring ahead. Whereupon a police officer approached the absentminded man and demanded: “Mister, don’t we have any colors you like?” – There is a charming story concerning the noble statesman, William Ewart Gladstone. Crossing the frontier between France and Belgium, he was interrogated by an officious customs officer: “Have you anything to declare?” “Only a bunch of grapes,” replied the Englishman. The officer countered, “You cannot pass with those…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (May 2014)

[347 words] An announcement that actually appeared in a church bulletin: “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget to bring your husband.” — A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor replied. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because the prescription is…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (April 2014)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets our of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got your truck stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.” — A little boy had just polished off all the…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (March 2014)

One day the preacher asked for everyone who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hand. One little boy up front did not raise his hand. The preacher called him out. “Son, don’t you want to go to heaven someday?” The boy said, “Yes, but I thought you were getting up a bunch to go right now!” — Jim shows up at a worship service, seeking help. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the elders. One elder puts his fingers on Sam’s ears, and they pray and pray. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (January 2014)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding to the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On The Lighter Side (February 2019)

[281 words] My Punny Valentine 1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don’t care who knows it! 2. What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance? 3. How can you tell if a calendar is popular? It has a lot of dates! 4. What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me! 5. What do you call a very small valentine? A valen-tiny! 6. What did the pencil say to the paper? I dot my i’s on you! 7. Why did the banana go…
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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (October 2015)

  [418 words] A Special License After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees and said, “Here’s your phone.” “What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked. “Easy,” said the coach. “It says you missed l3 calls.” Mistaken Identity The children begged for a hamster, and after the vows that they would care for it, they got one. They named it “Danny.” Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for the creature, she located a prospective new home…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (September 2015)

  [426 words] A Special License A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?” “Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.” “Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.” “Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted….

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (August 2015)

  [442 words] The Coin Toss By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend. “Well, I had to toss it 35 times.” A Pain in the Side At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs….

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (January 2019)

  [ 216 words] Valentine’s Humor Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring. Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed? A: Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage? What Every Girl Wants for Valentine’s Day Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes,” came the answer from Tony, “I bought her a belt and a bag.” “That was very kind of you,” Jim added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.” Tony smiled…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (December 2018)

  [134 words] Reindeer Games Q: What do you call a blind reindeer? A: I have no eye deer. Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? A: Rude-olph. Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A: A cariboo. Q: What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? A: This one’s gonna sleigh you! Q: Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? A: Because every single buck is dear to him! Rudolph the Weatherman One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (November 2018)

  [97 words] A Sudden Fall “Congratulations Mr. Smith,” said the Psychiatrist. “I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion.” “Thanks, I guess,” answered Mr. Smith grimly. “But what’s wrong?” asked the psychiatrist. “Why do you sound so depressed?” “Wouldn’t you be down if one day you’re the President and the next day you’re nobody?” Cold Turkey A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (October 2018)

  [143 words] Watch Your Step One fall day a young mother and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” The youngest child, a four-year-old, asked, “Better not squash what?” Oh, Well That’s Different Pollen and allergies got the best of a 9-year-old boy, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When his father got home from work, his son said he had brushed the family dog, Abby. Knowing that the dog’s brush was…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (September 2018)

  [266 words] Over the Counter “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.” Not on the Same Page A little girl had just started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa, I learned the slide rule today.” Grandpa was happy to hear that she was learning something new and really pleased it was about math. He asked her to explain it, and she said, “Only one kid on the slide at a time.” Fast Food Several years…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (August 2018)

  [116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow. Teacher: You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet. Pupil: But these are the only feet I’ve got! Joe: What’s the king of all school supplies? Moe: I don’t know. What? Joe: The ruler. Teacher: Class, we will have…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (July 2015)

Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.” A Thought to Ponder A $1 bill met a $20…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (July 2018)

  [191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before. I was hungry and could not help myself to shoot and eat it. The judge said, “I forgive you, just don’t let it happen again!” The man replied, ”Yes, sir!” The judge curious about the bird asked the man how did it taste? The man…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (June 2018)

  [96 words] Dad Jokes Q: How many apples grow on a tree? A: All of them. Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, not atmosphere. Lack of Knowledge Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home after that first day of class, his mother asked him if he liked it. Dad answered, “I don’t see any reason to go back to that school, because the teacher had to ask me how to spell cat.”…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (May 2018)

  [131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!” Can You Guess? Q: When do you go at red and stop at green? A: When you’re eating a watermelon. Wrong Interpretation After iMessaging back and forth with his wife, a man jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (April 2018)

  [214 words] April Groaners Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower? A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky? A: During APE-ril showers! Q: How do rabbits keep their fur neat? A: They use a harebrush! Origin of Milk When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how do the cows sit on those little bottles?”…

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Funny Jokes for Church Bulletin

On the Lighter Side (March 2018)

  [233 words] ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Spring Fever Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.” Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?” IRS Funnies How do you survive being one of the most reviled institutions in America? Join the party. The Internal Revenue…

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