[315 words] Come Out and PlayGeorge knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play?”“No,” said the mother, “it’s too cold.”“Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?” Three Gifts for MomThree sons left home, went out on their own...
[187 words] Spring Funnies Q: Does February like March?A: No, but April May Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A: During APE-ril showers Q: What season is it best to go on a trampoline?A: Spring time Q: What do you call a rabbit with flees?A: Bugs Bunny Q: What goes up when the rain...
[427 words] On her birthday morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening just before her birthday celebration, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she...
[506 words] Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child. I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked...
[328 words] Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.” — A man was applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after...
[397 words] A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly...
[258 words] Too Many CatsTeacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I...
[430 words] A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?” — According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years...
[445 words] Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, an elderly woman received a jury duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year,”...
[436 words] Donna’s father was visiting for a week, and since he was a pretty good fix-it man, she left him a note before she went to work. It read: “Dad, mileage counter on treadmill not working. Any ideas? Love, Donna.” When she returned home, she read his reply: “Donna, walk until you get tired....
[396 words] A little boy and his daddy were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one, and the daddy asked the boy which one he wanted. The lad pointed to a pup whose tail was wagging furiously and said, “That one with the happy ending!” – How Adam Had It Easy 1....
[374 words] A none-too-alert motorist sat motionless behind the wheel of his car. The traffic signal changed from green to yellow to red and back to green again. Still he sat staring ahead. Whereupon a police officer approached the absentminded man and demanded: “Mister, don’t we have any colors you like?” – There is a...
[347 words] An announcement that actually appeared in a church bulletin: “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget to bring your husband.” — A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that...
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets our of his car...
One day the preacher asked for everyone who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hand. One little boy up front did not raise his hand. The preacher called him out. “Son, don’t you want to go to heaven someday?” The boy said, “Yes, but I thought you were getting up a bunch to...
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the...
[281 words] My Punny Valentine 1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don’t care who knows it! 2. What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance? 3. How can you tell if a calendar is popular? It has a lot of dates! 4....
[418 words] A Special License After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees and said, “Here’s your phone.” “What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked. “Easy,” said the coach. “It says you...
[426 words] A Special License A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?” “Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I...
[442 words] The Coin Toss By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend....
[ 216 words] Valentine’s Humor Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring. Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed? A: Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage? What Every Girl Wants for Valentine’s Day...
[134 words] Reindeer Games Q: What do you call a blind reindeer? A: I have no eye deer. Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? A: Rude-olph. Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A: A cariboo. Q: What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? A: This one’s...
[97 words] A Sudden Fall “Congratulations Mr. Smith,” said the Psychiatrist. “I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion.” “Thanks, I guess,” answered Mr. Smith grimly. “But what’s wrong?” asked the psychiatrist. “Why do you sound so depressed?” “Wouldn’t you be down if one day you’re the President and the...
[143 words] Watch Your Step One fall day a young mother and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” The youngest child, a four-year-old, asked, “Better not squash what?” Oh,...
[266 words] Over the Counter “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.” Not on the Same Page A little girl had just started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa,...
[116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not enough....
Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again,...
[191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before....
[96 words] Dad Jokes Q: How many apples grow on a tree? A: All of them. Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, not atmosphere. Lack of Knowledge Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country...
[131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....
[214 words] April Groaners Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower? A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do...
[233 words] ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Spring Fever Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and...
The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as...
[415 words] MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.” Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb...
[194 words] Dream Valentine One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” Jim said. That evening, Jim home with a...
[227 words] All in How You View It An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect Timing The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow...
A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now how many...
“We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD , iPad, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. “Then I discovered my phone battery was flat and, to top it all off, it was raining outside so I couldn’t play golf. “I went to...
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with a dummy. The genius says, “Hey dummy, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The dummy says, “Okay.” The...
“Dear God: I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.” – We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed...
