A mangy-looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can pay for your meal.” The guy admits, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me my supper?”
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, “Only if what you show me isn’t risque.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, “Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?” “Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve,” says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!”
“No,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Daylight savings time: why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”
He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Billy… “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl nods and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. “Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man.”
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. “May I help you?”
“No,” said the man, “I just came in to install the phone.”
“What do you love about me?” the man asked his wife. “My boyish good looks or my athletic ability?” “Your sense of humor,” the wife replied.
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
“We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.” One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said “I’m not free. I’m four.”
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
Q: How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
Q: What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Q: What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.
Q: What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Poor Leroy had fallen on hard times. He lost his job at the fertilizer plant, his wife had left him, his unemployment had run out, and he was evicted from his apartment. He packed what little he had in a knapsack, made a little sign that read “Will work for food” and set off down the road on foot.
Toward the middle of the day, he came to a farmhouse. He was getting very hungry, and so he knocked on the front door. A woman answered, and Leroy explained his situation, and how he could do most anything and how hungry he was.
At first the woman wanted no part of Leroy, but he persisted. Finally she asked “Can you paint?”
“Oh yes, ma’am,” Leroy said, “I sure can paint. I’ve done a lot of painting. Just let me show you.” The woman relented, found a can of paint and a brush and said, “You go around back and paint the porch, and I’ll fix you dinner.” Happily, Leroy went to work.
About 40 minutes later, Leroy appeared at the front door. “Are you finished so soon?” asked the woman.
“Oh yes, ma’am,” said Leroy, “but I think you ought to know that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Toyota.”
Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
“Whoa! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The cabbie replies, scratching his head, “Now that, I don’t know; it sure wasn’t there yesterday!”
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”
The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”.
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”