Humor

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On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

[152 words] Thanksgiving Funnies Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?A: He sensed fowl play. Q: If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?A: A goblet. Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?A: Because he had his own drumsticks.” Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A:…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On The Lighter Side (October 2020)

A Punny Fall Q: Why did the lions move at the end of summer?A: Because the pride goeth before the fall! Did you hear about the tree who deserted the forest at the end of fall?He was absent without leaves! Q: Why do trees hate going back to school in the fall?A: Because they’re easily stumped!…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (September 2020)

Things Are Tough All OverMy wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low… She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, “Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!”…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (August 2020)

[116 words] Back to SchoolMy teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.I told them, “Just you wait!” What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew.” Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”Student:…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (July 2020)

[86 words] The LegalistA guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”“That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”“Yes. Now what’s your third question?” My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”I texted him back: “I’m busy working.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (June 2020)

Father Funnies Son: Dad, I’m hungry.Dad: Hello, Hungry, I’m Dad.Son: Dad, I’m serious.Dad: I thought you were Hungry? You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales. Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Being a great father is like shaving.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (May 2020)

[102 words] Corny Mom RiddlesQ: What did the mother rope say to her child?A: Don’t be knotty. Q: What did the mother spider say to her baby spider?A: You spend too much time on the web. Q: Why did the monster’s mom knit him three socks?A: Because he grew another foot. Q: What do you call a mother who can’t draw?A:…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (April 2020)

The Yolk’s On You Q: What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?A: Hip-hop! Q: What did one Easter egg say to the other?A: “Heard any good yolks today?” Q: Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?A: It might crack up! Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?A:…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (March 2020)

Now There’s the ProblemOld man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (February 2020)

[628 words] History According to SchoolchildrenThe following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.They…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (December 2019)

[132 words] Punny New Year A New Year’s resolution is something that does in one year and out the other. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year Eve, middle age is when you’re forced to. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (November 2019)

[110 words] Jokes on Ice Q: What did one snowman say to the other?A: Do you smell carrots? Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighborhood?A: On his ice-icle. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?A: Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies. Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?A: Snow-mobile. Q: Where does a snowman keep all his money?A:…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (October 2019)

[107 words] High-Dollar AdviceA man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?”The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.””Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks.”Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?” Silly RiddlesQ: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?A: Same middle name.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (August 2019)

[241 words] Holidays Are OverThe summer was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” the mother said. “I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.” Doing Their Homework!When…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (July 2019)

[195 words] A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?”…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (June 2019)

[220 words] Dad Jokes My dad used to carry around a frayed knot in his pocket just an old tied up piece of rope. Then any time someone asked him something and the answer was, “no”, he would just pull out the frayed knot and say, “‘fraid not!” and he would burst out laughing. Nobody else thought it was funny.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (May 2019)

[315 words] Come Out and PlayGeorge knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play?””No,” said the mother, “it’s too cold.””Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?” Three Gifts for MomThree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.…
On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

On the Lighter Side (April 2019)

[187 words] Spring Funnies Q: Does February like March?A: No, but April May Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A: During APE-ril showers Q: What season is it best to go on a trampoline?A: Spring time Q: What do you call a rabbit with flees?A: Bugs Bunny Q: What goes up when the rain goes down?A:…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (February 2013)

[427 words] On her birthday morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening just before her birthday celebration, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (January 2013)

[506 words] Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child. I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (December 2014)

[328 words] Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.” — A man was applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (November 2014)

[397 words] A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (March 2019)

[258 words] Too Many CatsTeacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny:…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (October 2014)

[430 words] A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?” — According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (September 2014)

[445 words] Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, an elderly woman received a jury duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year,” she replied.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (August 2014)

[436 words] Donna’s father was visiting for a week, and since he was a pretty good fix-it man, she left him a note before she went to work. It read: “Dad, mileage counter on treadmill not working. Any ideas? Love, Donna.” When she returned home, she read his reply: “Donna, walk until you get tired. Love, Dad.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (July 2014)

[396 words] A little boy and his daddy were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one, and the daddy asked the boy which one he wanted. The lad pointed to a pup whose tail was wagging furiously and said, “That one with the happy ending!” – How Adam Had It Easy 1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (June 2014)

[374 words] A none-too-alert motorist sat motionless behind the wheel of his car. The traffic signal changed from green to yellow to red and back to green again. Still he sat staring ahead. Whereupon a police officer approached the absentminded man and demanded: “Mister, don’t we have any colors you like?” – There is a charming story concerning the noble statesman, William Ewart Gladstone.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (April 2014)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets our of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got your truck stuck, huh?”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (March 2014)

One day the preacher asked for everyone who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hand. One little boy up front did not raise his hand. The preacher called him out. “Son, don’t you want to go to heaven someday?” The boy said, “Yes, but I thought you were getting up a bunch to go right now!”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side

[ The minister had been invited back to dinner after coming two months prior. Immediately after giving thanks for the food, one of the children said, “Know what? That’s the first time we’ve said grace since you ate with us before! — I’ve started a new exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (January 2014)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On The Lighter Side (February 2019)

[281 words] My Punny Valentine 1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don’t care who knows it! 2. What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance? 3. How can you tell if a calendar is popular? It has a lot of dates! 4. What did the calculator say to the pencil?…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (October 2015)

  [418 words] A Special License After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees and said, “Here’s your phone.” “What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked. “Easy,” said the coach. “It says you missed l3 calls.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (September 2015)

  [426 words] A Special License A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?” “Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (August 2015)

  [442 words] The Coin Toss By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend. “Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (January 2019)

  [ 216 words] Valentine’s Humor Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring. Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed? A: Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage? What Every Girl Wants for Valentine’s Day Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (December 2018)

[134 words] Reindeer GamesQ: What do you call a blind reindeer?A: I have no eye deer. Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?A: Rude-olph. Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer?A: A cariboo. Q: What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?A: This one’s gonna sleigh you! Q: Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?A:…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (November 2018)

  [97 words] A Sudden Fall “Congratulations Mr. Smith,” said the Psychiatrist. “I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion.” “Thanks, I guess,” answered Mr. Smith grimly. “But what’s wrong?” asked the psychiatrist. “Why do you sound so depressed?” “Wouldn’t you be down if one day you’re the President and the next day you’re nobody?”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (October 2018)

  [143 words] Watch Your Step One fall day a young mother and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” The youngest child, a four-year-old, asked, “Better not squash what?” Oh, Well That’s Different Pollen and allergies got the best of a 9-year-old boy, so he stayed home from school with his grandma.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (August 2018)

  [116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (July 2015)

Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (July 2018)

  [191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before. I was hungry and could not help myself to shoot and eat it.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (May 2018)

  [131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (April 2018)

[214 words] April GroanersQ: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower?A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A: During APE-ril showers!…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (June 2015)

The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (February 2018)

[194 words] Dream ValentineOne morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife.…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (January 2018)

[227 words] All in How You View ItAn optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect TimingThe last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”…
On The Lighter Side (March 2013)

On the Lighter Side (April 2015)

A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now how many of you would like to go to heaven?”…