On the Lighter Side (June 2023)

Signs of the Times

• Plumber “We repair what your husband fixed.”
• Pizza shop slogan “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
• At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
• Door of a plastic surgeons office: “Hello, can we pick your nose?”
• Sign at the psychic’s hotline “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
• At a Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
• Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
• In a Non-smoking Area: ” If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
• On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.”
• At an Optometrists Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
• On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
• In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
• On a Butchers window: “Let me meat your needs.”
• On a fence: “Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
• At a car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
• Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
• Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
• On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
• In a Veterinarians waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!”
• At the Electric Company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
• On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
• In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
• Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
• In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
• In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.”

Chicken Little

Mrs. Jones goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.

“Three pounds,” he says.

“That’s too scrawny; don’t you have something bigger?” Mrs. Jones asks.

He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.

“Three and a half pounds,” he says.

“That looks better,” says Mrs. Jones. “I’ll take them both.”

The Sahara

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

Here’s Your Sign

was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched!

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