On the Lighter Side (April 2022)

So is a person who takes care of hens a chicken tender?

Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company. She told the agent, “We had that barn insured for $50,000, and I want my money.” 

The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. W e will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” 

A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?” 

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels’ joke.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the auditorium to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the preacher’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, preacher. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.” Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the man if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon. The fellow replied that he did. The minister asked, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But preacher, no one can understand you!”

The new preacher stood at the lobby door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous, telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, “The was a very dull and boring sermon, preacher.”

A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much preparation for your message.”

Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say.”

Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the elders and inquired about the man.

“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said one elder. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.

“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”

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