On the Lighter Side (December 2023)

Reindeer Games

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them––from Rudolf to Blitzen––had to be a female.

We should’ve known this when when they were able to find their way.

Real Fishing Trip

A couple of city boys decided to go on a real fishing trip. They rented all the equipment—the rods, the reels, wading suits, boat, a truck, and a cabin by the river. They spent a fortune! The first day they didn’t catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day, and on the third day. It continued like that until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of them caught a fish. As they were driving home, they were really depressed. One guy turned to the other and said, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $3,500?” The other guy said, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Countdown

A man hadn’t been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor said. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” said the man. “How long have I got?”

The doctor said sadly, “Ten.”

“Ten?” the man asked. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”

“Nine…eight…”

One Up

There was a brother in church who couldn’t sing a lick, but sang at the top of his lungs. A few members complained and asked if he could sing a little lower. However, the brother continued singing as loud as he could.

Finally a few members went to the preacher with the problem. The preacher suggested to the brother that maybe he should sing lower. The brother asked, “Why should I sing lower?”

The preacher said, “Because five or six members told me you can’t sing.”

“That’s nothing,” the man said. “Fifty members told me you can’t preach!”

That’s News

Richard opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Fred.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Richard. “They say I died!”

“Yes, I saw it!” answered Fred. “Where are you calling from?”

Good Thinking

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John’s noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card.

“You in trouble with your wife?” the friend asked.

“Nope!” was John’s reply. “Preventive maintenance!”

Seven Rules for Buying Christmas Gifts for Men

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why. 

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. 

Rule #4: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?” 

Rule #5: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #6: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. 

Rule #7: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

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