Wife: “Doctor, my husband talks in his sleep.”
Doctor: “Try giving him the opportunity to talk during the day!”
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If anyone has lost a roll of $100 bills that was secured by a wide blue rubber band, I have found your rubber band.
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Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
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I hear that a nice restaurant has been built on the moon. They say the food is good, but that there’s no atmosphere.
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When people see a cat’s litter box they always ask, “Oh, do you have a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”
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I recently learned why folks my age are called grownups. We groan when we sit down! We groan when we get up! We groan when we get into a car! We groan when we get out of a car! We groan when we get into bed! We groan when we get out of bed!
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On my last visit to my eye doctor I found out that I was colorblind. It hit me like a bolt out of the purple!
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I read that WD-40 would keep mice out of the garden. I tried it. It didn’t work, but at least they’ve stopped squeaking.
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There was a preacher who was known for sermons that went entirely too long. On one occasion, the preacher noticed that a man got up and left in the middle of his sermon but returned before it was over. After the service the preacher asked the man where he had gone. The man said, “I went to get a haircut.” The preacher said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before you came to church?” The man replied, “I didn’t need one then!”
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The purpose of a middle name is so a child can tell when he’s really in trouble.
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How long a minute is depends on what side of a bathroom door you’re on.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t a lot more people happy?
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Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.