On the Lighter Side (June 2022)

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Awe, come on,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it.

What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with another pen.”

The economy is so bad… 

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked,  “Can you afford fries with that?”

I got a ‘pre-declined’ credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Burger King is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

New Trick for an Old Dog

An older, tired-looking dog, wandered into my yard one day. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me and I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. 

An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back… greeted me in my yard, walked inside, and resumed his spot in the hall, and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I decided to pin a note to his collar which read:

“I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

“He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3, and heʼs trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Dad Jokes

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”

“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

Police officer talks to a driver: “Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.”

Driver: “Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.”

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Johnson?” Mr. Johnson explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation. He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance. The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?” 

“About $2,000,” replies the man, a bit surprised.

The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts $1,000 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!” 

The guy takes the money and leaves.

The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?”

One clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.” 

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1 thought on “On the Lighter Side (June 2022)”

  1. I got such a kick out of the “Lighter Side” this morning, laughed at each one of the jokes! Made me feel so good, I will use some in our church bulletin. Thank you so very much for that good and clean humor!
    Helga Blackstone, secretary for the Highland Lakes church of Christ in Kingsland, TX

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