On the Lighter Side (November 2023)

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”

A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

The Perfect Husband?

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Honey, It’s me.”
“Are you at the club?”

“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” 

“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great!, before we hang up, something else…”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year … it’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…” “How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…” “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye… I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Husband Speak

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.” Really means….
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
“It’s a guy thing.” Really means….
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?” Really means….
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean….
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
“Good idea.” Really means….
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
“Have you lost weight?” Really means….
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
“My wife doesn’t understand me.” Really means….
“She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
“It would take too long to explain.” Really means….
“I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.” Really means….
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“I got a lot done.” Really means….
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
“We’re going to be late.” Really means….
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“You cook just like my mother used to.” Really means….
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means….
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.” Really means….
“Are you still talking?”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means….
“I forgot our anniversary again.”
“You expect too much of me.” Really means….
“You want me to stay awake.”
“It’s a really good movie.” Really means….
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars.”
“That’s women’s work.” Really means….
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

Irresistible Man

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie! 

The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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