That Explains It
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare-line.
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the keyboard,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-K-E-Y-B-O-A-R-D?”
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
As a mother was out walking with her four-year-old daughter, the little one picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mom quickly took the item away and told her not to do that.
The child asked why, and Mom said, “Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs.”
Her daughter asked, “Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart!”
The mother said, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mom.”
The little girl thought for a minute and replied, “So, if you don’t pass the test you have to be a dad, right?”
“Exactly,” came the immediate response.
A man went into a Jewelry store and asked to look at a piece of jewelry. The jeweler showed him the article that cost $100. “Oh no,” the man said, “That’s too pricey.” The jeweler showed him $80 jewelry and same answer, too pricey all the way down to $20 jewelry. The man said he would like to see something really cheap and the jeweler handed him…a mirror.
The exterminator called one of his clients. “I’m very sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lee, ” he said, “but your check just came back.”
“We are even then,” the lady said. “So did those ants you promised me you had driven out of my house forever.”
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, then pulled it down with his mouth and walked into the manager’s office.
The office manager laughed and said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”
The dog pointed to the line, “Equal opportunity employer.”
So the manager said, “Okay. Type this letter.”
The dog sat at the computer and a minute later had a finished and perfectly formatted letter.
The manager wasn’t convinced. “I still can’t hire you for this position. You have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
I was talking with one of the politicians the other day, and he asked me if I had heard his last speech. I told him, “I sure hope so!”
Getting babies to go to sleep is hardest when they are about 18 years old.
Realizing that their home just wasn’t big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny’s parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, “It’s no use. He’ll just follow us anyway.”
A young boy called the preacher of another congregation to come and pray for his mom who was very ill with the flu. The preacher asked, “Son, shouldn’t you be calling the preacher of your own congregation?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take a chance that he might catch whatever it is that mom has.”