A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the mailman.
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent’s nasty Aunt Minnie. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her aunt had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her Aunt Minnie to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
During his annual checkup, an old farmer told his doctor that he had never had an accident in his life. The doctor reminded the farmer that he treated him back in the spring after his bull had tossed him over the fence, and asked, “Don’t you consider that to be an accident?” “Not really,” the farmer replied. “That bull did it on purpose.”
Sportswriter: “That new player is great on the court, but how is he with his scholastic work?”
College coach: “Well, he makes straight A’s.”
Sportswriter: “That’s wonderful!”
College coach: “Yes, but his B’s are still a little crooked.”
Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, “By the way, Joe, here’s that twenty bucks I owe you.”
“You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“If you had $4,000 would you give me half?”
“And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?”
“And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?”
“Because I’ve got two shirts.”