Humor Archives - Page 2 of 2

On the Lighter Side (August 2018)

[116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not enough.…

On the Lighter Side (July 2015)

Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again,…

On the Lighter Side (July 2018)

[191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before.…

On the Lighter Side (May 2018)

[131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.…

On the Lighter Side (April 2018)

[214 words] April GroanersQ: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower?A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A:…

On the Lighter Side (June 2015)

The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as…

On the Lighter Side (February 2018)

[194 words] Dream ValentineOne morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.That evening, Jim home with a small package…

On the Lighter Side (January 2018)

[227 words] All in How You View ItAn optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect TimingThe last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow…

On the Lighter Side (April 2015)

A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now how many…

On the Lighter Side (March 2015)

“We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD , iPad, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. “Then I discovered my phone battery was flat and, to top it all off, it was raining outside so I couldn’t play golf. “I went to…

On the Lighter Side (February 2015)

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with a dummy. The genius says, “Hey dummy, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The dummy says, “Okay.” The…

On the Lighter Side (January 2015)

“Dear God: I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.” – We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed…

On the Lighter Side (November 2016)

First Job Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you…

On the Lighter Side (September 2016)

Method of Identification Wally and Dallas, each bought a horse and they rode them together for the summer. When winter came, they didn’t want to pay to have them stabled for the winter. Instead, they decided to release them in a pasture and get them in the spring. Wally asked, “How’re we going to know…

On The Lighter Side (August 2016)

Fifty-Fifty The editor of a small-town newspaper, furious over several bills that had just been passed, printed a scathing editorial with the enormous headline, “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS.” Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on the editor to print a retraction. He finally gave in to their demands and ran his…

On the Lighter Side (June-July 2016)

Lunch Time Joey: “I don’t want to take my little sister fishing. Last time I didn’t catch a single fish.” Mother: “I’ll talk to her. This time she won’t make any noise.” Joey: “It wasn’t the noise. She ate all the bait!” Click It or Ticket A lady who was speeding was pulled over to…

On the Lighter Side (April-May 2016)

Repentance: Tax Style After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.” Renters’ Excuses These tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding…

On The Lighter Side (March 2016)

Confusing Password I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As…

On The Lighter Side (December 2017)

[199 words] Cookie Knowledge As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. “You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old. “Don’t worry. Santa will never know.” He shot me a look.…

On The Lighter Side (November 2017)

[205 words] Heavy Holidays The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?” “We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of…

On The Lighter Side (October 2017)

[230 words] How to Get to Heaven? A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day,…

On the Lighter Side (September 2017)

[344 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That“s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look…

On The Lighter Side (August 2017)

[340 words] Nice Guy One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”…

On the Lighter Side (July 2017)

[327 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look…

On the Lighter Side (June 2017)

Flash Photography When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her,…

On the Lighter Side (December 2016)

[348 words] Very Punny Christmas One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other…

On the Lighter Side (May 2017)

Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around,…

On the Lighter Side (January 2017)

Sign of Middle Age Middle age is when you finally get your head together and your body starts to fall apart. Time for a Visit Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their…

On the Lighter Side (March 2017)

Can’t Fool Me So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.” At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to…

On the Lighter Side (April 2017)

Quick Thinking There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. “Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had…

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