On the Lighter Side (June-July 2016)

Funny Jokes for Church BulletinLunch Time
Joey: “I don’t want to take my little sister fishing. Last time I didn’t catch a single fish.”
Mother: “I’ll talk to her. This time she won’t make any noise.”
Joey: “It wasn’t the noise. She ate all the bait!”

Click It or Ticket
A lady who was speeding was pulled over to the side of the road by an officer. She didn’t have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”
“Oh, yes I do, officer,” she replied.
“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?”

Unexpected Prize
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha–! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

All Corn, All the Time
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.

Lunch Time
Amy went to her first show at an art gallery. One painting that caught her eye quickly was solid black with some blobs of yellow paint splattered all over it. The next painting was a dull gray color that had drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Amy walked over to the artist and said, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
The artist said, “I paint what I feel inside me.”
Amy responded, “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

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