Humor | July 2017, Vol. 36, No. 7

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On the Lighter Side (July 2017)

posted on January 19, 2018

[327 words]

Funny Jokes for Church BulletinBeware of Dog?
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Look Out for Your Brother
I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”

Lying Awake
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Dirty Swords
The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.”

Half It Your Way
The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff.
I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?”
A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

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