Perspective is Good
Dear Mom and Dad,
I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned. We were all in the basement smoking pot, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire. But no one was hurt, and we got most of our belongings out in time. Oh, and I’m getting married soon. You see, I have to, because I’m going to have a baby… you’ll meet Bob soon, he’s got a really nice Harley…
Actually…I’m not pregnant, and I don’t even know anyone named Bob…and I’m not going to get married. There was no fire and I wouldn’t know what to do with pot…but I did flunk chemistry, and I just wanted you to be able to put it into perspective!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year.
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”
The student received an “A” in the class.
The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip class and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly Williams is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
Kelly: “This is my mother.”
Bottom of the Class
“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.
“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”
Getting the Answers
A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test. The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I’m checking the answers.
A brand new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her 6th grade class off by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Malcolm MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an American university and was living in a dorm with all the other students there.
After he’d been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
“How do you get along with the other students, Malcolm?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Malcolm!” says his mother. “How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbors?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them and sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the supply room, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had worked the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the supply room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?”
The custodian looked at him gravely. “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”
Punctuation Makes a Difference
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
Please Change This
Peter walked up to his teacher’s desk, holding a report card with a big red F. “If I were you,” said Peter, “I would change this while you still can.”
“Why is that?” asked the teacher.
“Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating.”