The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
“Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas,” little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best present I ever got.”
“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?”
“Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
Rudolph Always Knows
One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?”
“It’s rain, Jane” said Pete.
“I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane.
Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.”
“No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph” said Jane.
“Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete.
“What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane.
Pete replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”
“I wanted our street to have the prettiest decorations in the neighborhood, so I strung lit colored balls from house to house, all the way down the block. I did all the electrical wiring myself.
“If you’d like further information, just drive down Moorpark Street in North Hollywood. We’re the third pile of ashes from the corner.” — Bob Hope
Grandma’s Christmas Strategy
One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.
The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks.
When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”
Cops and Robbers
A young mother and her three extremely active young boys were playing “cops and robbers” one afternoon in the backyard when a neighbor stopped by. One boy aimed his pistol at his mother and yelled, “Bang! You are dead!” She slumped to the ground in a heap. When she did not get up right away the neighbor hurried
to see if she had been hurt in the fall. As the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and whispered, “Shh. Do not give me away. It is the only chance I get to rest!”
$150 a Week to Talk about Mom
Three ladies were bragging on their grown sons. The first lady told of the extravagant birthday parties her son provided her. “Why he even hired a full band for my last birthday.”
The second lady bragged about how her son gave such lavish vacations. “Just last month he sent me to Hawaii for the fourth time.”
The third woman was not to be outdone and she piped up, “That’s nothing. My son has been paying a psychiatrist $150 a week for the last three years just so he can talk about me.”
Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Aunt Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.”
Overheard at a mechanic’s shop: “I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
A woman was driving on the interstate when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” Asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour!”
“Impossible!” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”