On the Lighter Side (August 2023)

Wise Rules for Pilots

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
      
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
      
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
      
4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
      
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
      
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
      
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
      
8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
      
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
      
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
      
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
      
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
      
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
      
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
      
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
      
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
      
17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
      
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
      
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
      
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
      
21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
      
22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
      
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
      
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
      
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

No Sale

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.

“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”

The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

Through a Child’s Eyes

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.”

A Little Help

A preacher was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the preacher moved closer to the boy’s position. He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the preacher smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

The Earthworm

A mother and her son Eddie were digging for fishing bait in a garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”

“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

I Never Go to Church

“I never go to church,” boasted a wandering member. “Perhaps you have noticed that preacher?”

“Yes, I have noticed that,” said the preacher.

“Well, the reason I don’t go is because there are so many hypocrites there.”

“Oh, don’t let that keep you away,” replied the preacher with a smile. “There’s always room for one more.”

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