On the Lighter Side (September 2022)

Calling in Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

Dumb Jock?

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Oh, please!” protested the college president. “You already make more than the entire history department.”

“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.

“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the president, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

Famous Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for the government, writing income tax instructions.

Greedy Heir

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me $50,000.”

“That’s not bad at all!”

“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me $95,000, tax-free to boot.”

“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”

“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”

“So why are so glum?”

“This week – nothing!”

The Test

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the exam both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Robert and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give James the job.”

Robert replied, “Why? We both correctly answered nine questions. I believe I should get this job, especially since I’ve grown up in this town and James just moved here.”

The manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

“How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?,” asked Robert.

“Simple,” said the manager. “James put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know’, and you put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

No Breaks for the Firemen

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his checkbook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”

Pet That Can Do Everything

A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn’t want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!

The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.

The man replied, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner said, “How about a cat?”

The man replied, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man said, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and… it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.

He then said to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.

The man thought to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

About 45 minutes later…still no centipede! He couldn’t imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?

So he went to the front door, opened it … and there was the centipede sitting right outside.

The man said, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat’s Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

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