On the Lighter Side (May 2023)

You Know You’re a Mom When…

You know you’re a mom when you’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet … you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Mom’s Dictionary

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house…

Patience?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

Mom’s Dictionary Part 2

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED and BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

MAYBE: No.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

Computer Matchmaker

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, “Buy a television.”

Ten Million Dollars

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. “Diane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?” “Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

‘Out of the Office” Automatic Email Replies

— I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

— You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

— I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 01/05. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

— Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

— The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

— Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

— Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

— Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

My Knee Hurts

An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”

“I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”

The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

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