Humor Archives - Page 2 of 2

On the Lighter Side (June 2018)

[96 words] Dad JokesQ: How many apples grow on a tree?A: All of them. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?A: An impasta. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, not atmosphere. Lack of KnowledgeYears ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home…

On the Lighter Side (May 2018)

[131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.…

On the Lighter Side (April 2018)

[214 words] April GroanersQ: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower?A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A:…

On the Lighter Side (March 2018)

[233 words] ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Spring FeverFour high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take…

On the Lighter Side (June 2015)

The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as…

On the Lighter Side (May 2015)

[415 words] MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.” Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb…

On the Lighter Side (February 2018)

[194 words] Dream ValentineOne morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.That evening, Jim home with a small package…

On the Lighter Side (January 2018)

[227 words] All in How You View ItAn optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect TimingThe last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow…

On the Lighter Side (April 2015)

A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now how many…

On the Lighter Side (March 2015)

“We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD , iPad, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. “Then I discovered my phone battery was flat and, to top it all off, it was raining outside so I couldn’t play golf. “I went to…

On the Lighter Side (February 2015)

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with a dummy. The genius says, “Hey dummy, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The dummy says, “Okay.” The…

On the Lighter Side (January 2015)

“Dear God: I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.” – We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed…

On the Lighter Side (November 2016)

First Job Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you…

On the Lighter Side (September 2016)

Method of Identification Wally and Dallas, each bought a horse and they rode them together for the summer. When winter came, they didn’t want to pay to have them stabled for the winter. Instead, they decided to release them in a pasture and get them in the spring. Wally asked, “How’re we going to know…

On The Lighter Side (August 2016)

Fifty-Fifty The editor of a small-town newspaper, furious over several bills that had just been passed, printed a scathing editorial with the enormous headline, “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS.” Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on the editor to print a retraction. He finally gave in to their demands and ran his…

On the Lighter Side (June-July 2016)

Lunch Time Joey: “I don’t want to take my little sister fishing. Last time I didn’t catch a single fish.” Mother: “I’ll talk to her. This time she won’t make any noise.” Joey: “It wasn’t the noise. She ate all the bait!” Click It or Ticket A lady who was speeding was pulled over to…

On the Lighter Side (April-May 2016)

Repentance: Tax Style After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.” Renters’ Excuses These tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding…

On The Lighter Side (March 2016)

Confusing Password I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As…

On The Lighter Side (December 2017)

[199 words] Cookie Knowledge As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. “You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old. “Don’t worry. Santa will never know.” He shot me a look.…

On The Lighter Side (November 2017)

[205 words] Heavy Holidays The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?” “We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of…

On The Lighter Side (October 2017)

[230 words] How to Get to Heaven? A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day,…

On the Lighter Side (September 2017)

[344 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That“s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look…

On The Lighter Side (August 2017)

[340 words] Nice Guy One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”…

On the Lighter Side (July 2017)

[327 words] Beware of Dog? As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look…

On the Lighter Side (June 2017)

Flash Photography When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her,…

On the Lighter Side (December 2016)

[348 words] Very Punny Christmas One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other…

On the Lighter Side (May 2017)

Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around,…

On the Lighter Side (January 2017)

Sign of Middle Age Middle age is when you finally get your head together and your body starts to fall apart. Time for a Visit Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their…

On the Lighter Side (March 2017)

Can’t Fool Me So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.” At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to…

On the Lighter Side (April 2017)

Quick Thinking There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. “Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had…

Hymns for the ‘Sorta’ Committed

[217 words] Some Christians, by the way they are living their lives, would obviously like for some of the songs we sing to be changed to the following: • I Surrender Some• It is Fairly Well with My Soul• Fill My Spoon, Lord• Oh, How I Like Jesus• He’s a Little Bit to Me• I Love…

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A family is riding in the family car and an advertisement for a current movie comes on the radio. At the end of the advertisement comes the disclaimer, “Opens Friday in a theater near you! This ﬁlm contains intense thematic material, graphic violence, nudity, strong sexual situations, drug content and course language. May not be…

The Old Farmer’s Wisdom

A newspaper reporter was interviewing an old farmer and asked him to what he would attribute his success as a farmer. With a twinkle in his eye the man replied, “It’s been about 50 percent weather, 50 percent good luck, and the rest is brains.”…

Souvenir from Heaven

When one of our boys was in kindergarten, some friends of ours brought him a souvenir from Israel. His mother cautioned him to be very careful with it because it came from the Holy Land and that it was so far away we would never be able to go there. He took it to show-and-tell.…

Two Sides of the Coin

When I was about 12 years old, I went home with a friend after church, the son of one of the elders. Before going home, we went out to eat lunch at a local cafe. As the elder paid for our meal, he said to the cashier, “It’s too bad you have to work on…

If I Had Married Him

Thomas Wheeler, Chief Executive Officer of the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company tells a good story on himself. He says that while he and his wife were out driving he noticed they were low on gas. So he pulled off at the first exit and came to this dumpy little gas station with one pump.…

God is watching

When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said “Take one. God is watching.” Next to the fruit was a plate of cookies, with a sign next to it written by a fellow student,…

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