[415 words]
MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS
Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.”
Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”
Goldilocks Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?”
Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”
George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
Superman’s Mother: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”
Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed.”
• • •
Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what her Bible study lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the mother was perplexed. Later in the day, her teacher stopped by for coffee and the mother asked her what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. She said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”
• • •
RULES FOR DIETING:
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one’s personal intake.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.
Note: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.