[347 words]
An announcement that actually appeared in a church bulletin: “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget to bring your husband.”
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor replied.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because the prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”
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ONE LINERS:
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on your door forever.
To make a long story short, don’t tell it.
Its easier to preach ten sermons than to live just one.
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A rich banker died and his family met in the lawyer’s office for the reading of the will. The banker left $1 million to his wife, and $100,000 for each of his brothers and sisters.
The will went on to read, “And to my nephew Ralph, who always wanted to be mentioned in my will, I say, “Hello, Ralph.”
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During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter couldn’t stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”
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Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences.
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Donald tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure you of your fears,” the shrink said. “And I’ll only charge you $200 a visit.”
Donald says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Donald. “My neighbor cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”