Never fall in love with a pastry chef. He’ll only dessert you.
Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”
Woman: “Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?”
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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Wrong Flowers
A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.
“It could be worse,” the florist said, “Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. ‘Congratulations on Your New Location!’ ”
Goodbye, Little Fish
Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”
Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”
“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.
Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”
One Liners
“I heard there were a bunch of break-ins at the parking garage. That is wrong on so many levels.”
“I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’”
“I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.”
“Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.”
“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.”
“Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.”
Hunting Trip
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ‘em!”
Taking Things Literally
Lady: “Is this my train?”
Station Master: “No, it belongs to the railway company.”
Lady: “Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York.”
Station Master: “No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.”
Broken Seal
A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, “You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the seal.”
Wrong Lesson Learned
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
Renters’ Excuses
These tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding paying their rent.
“With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped.”
“I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days.”
“We’re a little short right now. But don’t worry—we’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!”
“I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move.”
“It’s your fault the check bounced. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!”