I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.
The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.
Then the owner said, “Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it.”
Then, he held the fan and frantically moved his head left and right.
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An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, “Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?” The concierge says, “You’re lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver.” The businessman asks for the restaurant’s number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.
30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he’s sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, “What did you put on this pizza?!”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It’s pepper only.”
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away.
“See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
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Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.
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Definition: Sweater—something you wear when your mother gets cold.
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Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”
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An elderly gentleman, who was very near-sighted, prided himself on his ability as an art critic. While accompanying his friends through a large gallery, he sought to impress them with his keen and insightful observations (even though he had left his glasses at home that day).
Standing before a large frame, he began to point out the glaringly inartistic features of the picture. The frame did not fit the subject and in fact, the subject was too ugly to ever make a good picture.
The elderly man continued in his tirade until finally his wife was able to interrupt and whisper to him,
“Darling, you’re standing in front of a mirror.”
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A man in our town who used to never come to services began coming to church every Sunday morning with his wife.
After two or three Sundays, the preacher shook hands with him and said, “It makes me happy to see you coming every Sunday with your wife.”
“Well, preacher,” said the backslider, “It’s all a matter of choice. I decided I’d rather hear your sermon than hers.”
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“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt
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One time my ol’ Grandpappy was visiting a “big city church.” He was asked to teach the adult class. He wanted to used the humble ground hog as an illustration for a lesson, so he asked, “Who knows what a ground hog is?” “I know,” said the city guy in the back. “It’s sausage.”