Unwanted Visitor
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity.” Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the church image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.” The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?” The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, “Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”
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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of perfume for his wife’s birthday. “A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk. “You’d better believe it,” answered the man. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
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Richard opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Fred. “Did you see the paper?” railed Richard. “They say I died!” “Yes, I saw it,” answered Fred. “Where are you calling from?”
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Uncle Homer is kinda different in some ways, but he surprised me when he recently showed a willingness to change his habits. He told me that he stopped eating a lot of natural foods because he found out that most people die of natural causes.
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A woman went to the emergency room where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room. “What is wrong with you?” he demanded. “This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
—
A young fellow was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the friends asked.
“It’s not a gong, it’s a talking clock,” the fellow replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “How does it work?”
“Watch.” The fellow picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three men stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You idiot! It’s one-fifteen in the morning!”