Can’t Fool Me
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”
“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men.
“And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other.
The Countdown
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine…”
Lost Pen
A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with another pen.”
Hunting Trip
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ‘em!”
Taking Things Literally
Lady: “Is this my train?”
Station Master: “No, it belongs to the railway company.”
Lady: “Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York.”
Station Master: “No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.”
Literally, Part Two
A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, “You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the seal.”