Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. “Fine,” said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you.” “Oh, I didn’t ask Him to help me not misbehave,” said Johnny. “I asked Him to help you put up with me.”
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TOP SIX SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER
1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and find you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you ‘re not eating cereal.
4. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
5. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
6. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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A child came back from Bible class, and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear.”
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Bible class teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that. Bobby looked up into her face and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you cant say you weren’t warned!”
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Applicant: “What about benefits? My last job paid for medical insurance, a month of sick leave, bonuses several times a year , and two-hour lunches”
Personnel manager: “If it was so great, why did you leave?”
Applicant: “They went out of business.”
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A minister was stopped by a law enforcement officer, who pulled him over for speeding. As the officer was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.” The officer handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”
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Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news.”
Patient: “What’s the good news?”
Doctor: “The good news is they are naming a disease after you!”
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A church member once said, “If I had a thousand dollars, I’d give half of it to the church.” An elder said, “If you had two pigs, would you give one of them to the church?” “That isn’t fair,” the member said, “You know I have two pigs.”