Humor Archives - Bulletin Digest

On the Lighter Side (March 2025)

Scientists have found a way to genetically cross a praying mantis with a termite. In other words, they’ve created an insect that says a prayer before it eats your house. — It was the day of the big sale. A long line had formed by opening time. A man pushed his way to the front…

On the Lighter Side (February 2025)

A Valentine from the Garden Cabbage always has a heart; Green beans string along. You’re such a Tomato, Will you Peas to me belong? You’ve been the Apple of my eye, You know how much I care; So Lettuce get together, We’d make a perfect Pear. Now, something’s sure to Turnip, To prove…

On the Lighter Side (January 2025)

A mechanic was working on the motor of a car when he spotted a famous surgeon standing off to the side of his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello, doctor! Please come over here for a minute.” The surgeon walked over. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and said,…

On the Lighter Side (December 2024)

Christmas Dad Jokes Q: What do elves do after school? A: Gnome-work. Q: What does Santa Claus keep on his mantle? A: Nick-nacks. Q: Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? A: In the dictionary. Q: Why is Santa such a good shopper? A: Because he makes a list, then checks it twice. Q: How do elves know how to…

On the Lighter Side (November 2024)

Two buddies decided to go duck hunting. Neither one of them had ever been duck hunting before, but they bought an expensive retriever dog from a local kennel. The trainer promised the dog was highly skilled and would get ducks. After several hours in the blind they still hadn’t bagged any. One hunter turned to…

On the Lighter Side (October 2024)

Two neighbors were talking over the back fence. “I went to a wedding this weekend,” one said, ”but I don’t think it’s going to last.” “Why not,” asked the other. “Well, when the groom said ‘I do,’ the bride said, ‘Don’t use that tone of voice with me!”’ — My wife still hasn’t spoken to…

On the Lighter Side (September 2024)

Boss: “I can’t believe you’re just standing there leaning against that crate. How much are you getting a week?” Young man: “Me? Ah, about $150.” Boss: “Here’s your $150. Now get out! You’re through!” As the young man hurried out, the boss turned to a worker and said, “How long has that fellow been with…

On the Lighter Side (August 2024)

The Good SamaritanSunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, “! think I’d throw up.” — Golfing FunA golfer’s ball landed on…

On the Lighter Side (July 2024)

It’s All in How You Look at It A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, then…

On the Lighter Side (May 2024)

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. — Working for God doesn’t pay much. But His retirement plan is out of this world! — Job Description Personnel Director: “What previous experience have you had…

On the Lighter Side (April 2024)

A religious ‘awakening’ occurs at church when the preacher has finished his sermon. — A Sunday school teacher asked the class to draw a picture illustrating a Bible story. Little Johnny drew a picture of a big car. An old man was driving, whiskers flying in the breeze. A man and a woman was seated…

On the Lighter Side (March 2024)

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. “Fine,” said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you.” “Oh, I didn’t ask Him to help…

On the Lighter Side (February 2024)

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this joke.) — Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere. — Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it…

On the Lighter Side (January 2024)

Worst Sermon Ever A preacher was suddenly called out of town and he asked the new youth minister to conduct services on Sunday. When he returned, he asked his wife how the young man had done. “Not so well,” she reported. “It was the poorest sermon I had ever heard—nothing to it at all.” Meeting…

On the Lighter Side (December 2023)

Reindeer Games According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer,…

On the Lighter Side (November 2023)

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm…

On the Lighter Side (October 2023)

A Bible school helper was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he’s just…

On the Lighter Side (September 2023)

Perspective is Good Dear Mom and Dad, I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned. We were all in the basement smoking pot, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire. But no one was hurt, and we got most of our belongings out in time. Oh, and I’m getting married…

On the Lighter Side (August 2023)

Wise Rules for Pilots 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing…

On the Lighter Side (July 2023)

Birthday SurpriseA young man was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses…one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions…

On the Lighter Side (May 2023)

You Know You’re a Mom When… You know you’re a mom when you’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of…

On the Lighter Side (April 2023)

Garden Time My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow. It was sage advice. — I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably. I guess there is mushroom for improvement. — So my neighbor sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden and asks what I’m doing.”I’m putting…

On the Lighter Side (March 2023)

Lesson Learned! A businessman was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later–same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?” “Yes, I have,” said the man. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.” — “If you…

On the Lighter Side (January 2023)

Just the Nine of Us In Budapest, a man goes to the preacher and complains, “Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?” The preacher answers, “Take your goat into the room with you.” The man in incredulous, but the preacher insists. “Do as I say and…

On the Lighter Side (December 2022)

The Lost Purse A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy…

On the Lighter Side (November 2022)

Fall Groaners Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? A: Plymouth Rock. Q: Why did the pumpkin lose the boxing match? A: He let his gourd down. Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive, what would they be most famous for? A: Their age. Q: Why do birds fly south for the…

On the Lighter Side (September 2022)

Calling in Sick Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There on…

On the Lighter Side (July 2022)

A mangy-looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can pay for your meal.” The guy admits, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me my supper?” The…

On the Lighter Side (June 2022)

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?” “Fertilizer,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy. “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer. “You…

On the Lighter Side (May 2022)

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a…

On the Lighter Side (April 2022)

So is a person who takes care of hens a chicken tender? — Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company. She told the agent, “We had that barn insured for $50,000, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like…

On the Lighter Side (May 2013)

As a man is walking down the street with his friend, he says, “Look at me. I’m a walking economy.” His friend replies, “And just how do you figure that?” “Well, my hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me in deep depression.…

On the Lighter Side (April 2013)

Vengeance is mine,” thus sayeth the Little Guy. Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch. As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him and laughed in…

On the Lighter Side (February 2022)

Never fall in love with a pastry chef. He’ll only dessert you. Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.” Woman:…

On the Lighter Side (January 2022)

Winter Q&A’sQ: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?A: “Why does everything smell like carrots?” Q: Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?A: Aunt Artica! Q: What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?A: She gave him the cold shoulder. New England HomeMy husband and I purchased an old home in Northern…

On the Lighter Side (December 2021)

[145 words] New Year’s Laughers Q: What is a New Year’s resolution?A: Something that goes in one year and out the other. Q: What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution?A: To make new friends. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to. An optimist stays…

On the Lighter Side (October 2021)

Let’s Get CookingA new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping. This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?” Q: How do you…

On the Lighter Side (August 2021)

[181 words] Miniature GolfIt was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids. “Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully. “I am” said one. “No, I am” said another. “No,” the father said, “their mother is!” Well That Makes SenseVacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local…

On the Lighter Side (July 2021)

[168 words] Back to School FunniesWhat kind of school do you go to if you’re……an ice cream man? Sundae school.…a giant? High school.…a surfer? Boarding school.…King Arthur? Knight school. Mom: What did you do at school today?Mark: We did a guessing game.Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.Mark: That’s right! Teacher: Daniel,…

On the Lighter Side (May 2021)

Employment OpportunitiesI told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a five percent raise.Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and…

On the Lighter Side (April 2021)

From Adam’s RibDuring a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings. The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong. His reply…

On the Lighter Side (March 2021)

Planned AbsenteeismA college faculty member received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Is this a problem?” Knock Knock.Who’s there?Control Freak.Con…OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?” Q: Why…

On the Lighter Side (February 2021)

My Punny Valentine Q: What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day?A: I wuv you watts and watts! Q: What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day?A: Hogs and kisses. Q: Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day?A: They are very scent-imental creatures. Q: What did the painter…

On the Lighter Side (January 2021)

Governmental Talent Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.” Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just…

On the Lighter Side (December 2020)

We Need a Riddle Christmas Q: What do you call Santa’s little helpers?A: Subordinate clauses. Q: Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital?A: Because he has private elf care! Q: What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?A: Elfis. Q: What do you call a broke Santa?A: Saint Nickel-less Q: What…

On the Lighter Side (November 2020)

[152 words] Thanksgiving Funnies Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?A: He sensed fowl play. Q: If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?A: A goblet. Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?A: Because he had his own drumsticks.”…

On The Lighter Side (October 2020)

A Punny Fall Q: Why did the lions move at the end of summer?A: Because the pride goeth before the fall! Did you hear about the tree who deserted the forest at the end of fall?He was absent without leaves! Q: Why do trees hate going back to school in the fall?A: Because they’re easily…

On the Lighter Side (September 2020)

Things Are Tough All OverMy wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low… She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, “Why in the world did they start charging…

On the Lighter Side (August 2020)

[116 words] Back to SchoolMy teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.I told them, “Just you wait!” What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew.” Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in…

On the Lighter Side (July 2020)

[86 words] The LegalistA guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”“That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”“Yes. Now what’s your third question?” My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”I texted him back:…

On the Lighter Side (June 2020)

Father Funnies Son: Dad, I’m hungry.Dad: Hello, Hungry, I’m Dad.Son: Dad, I’m serious.Dad: I thought you were Hungry? You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales. Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Being a great father is like…

On the Lighter Side (May 2020)

[102 words] Corny Mom RiddlesQ: What did the mother rope say to her child?A: Don’t be knotty. Q: What did the mother spider say to her baby spider?A: You spend too much time on the web. Q: Why did the monster’s mom knit him three socks?A: Because he grew another foot. Q: What do you…

On the Lighter Side (April 2020)

The Yolk’s On You Q: What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?A: Hip-hop! Q: What did one Easter egg say to the other?A: “Heard any good yolks today?” Q: Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?A: It might crack up! Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of…

On the Lighter Side (March 2020)

Now There’s the ProblemOld man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat…

On the Lighter Side (February 2020)

[628 words] History According to SchoolchildrenThe following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all…

On the Lighter Side (January 2020)

Funny ValentineA little boy found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” The boy studied the frog, then put it in his pocket. “Hey,” the frog croaked, “how come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog than a princess any day!” NewsworthyTwo antennae met on a…

On the Lighter Side (December 2019)

[132 words] Punny New Year A New Year’s resolution is something that does in one year and out the other. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year Eve, middle age is when you’re forced to. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look…

On the Lighter Side (November 2019)

[110 words] Jokes on Ice Q: What did one snowman say to the other?A: Do you smell carrots? Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighborhood?A: On his ice-icle. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?A: Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies. Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?A: Snow-mobile. Q:…

On the Lighter Side (October 2019)

[107 words] High-Dollar AdviceA man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?”The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.””Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks.”Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?” Silly RiddlesQ: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?A: Same middle…

On the Lighter Side (September 2019)

[206 words] Fall RiddlesQ: What is a tree’s least favorite month of the year?A: Sep-timber! Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?A: The Crossing Gourd. Q: What is the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?A: Pumpkin Pi…

On the Lighter Side (August 2019)

[241 words] Holidays Are OverThe summer was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” the mother said. “I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.” Doing Their…

On the Lighter Side (July 2019)

[195 words] A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, “Can you give…

On the Lighter Side (June 2019)

[220 words] Dad Jokes My dad used to carry around a frayed knot in his pocket just an old tied up piece of rope. Then any time someone asked him something and the answer was, “no”, he would just pull out the frayed knot and say, “‘fraid not!” and he would burst out laughing. Nobody…

On the Lighter Side (May 2019)

[315 words] Come Out and PlayGeorge knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play?””No,” said the mother, “it’s too cold.””Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?” Three Gifts for MomThree sons left home, went out on their own…

On the Lighter Side (April 2019)

[187 words] Spring Funnies Q: Does February like March?A: No, but April May Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A: During APE-ril showers Q: What season is it best to go on a trampoline?A: Spring time Q: What do you call a rabbit with flees?A: Bugs Bunny Q: What goes up when the rain…

On the Lighter Side (February 2013)

[427 words] On her birthday morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening just before her birthday celebration, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she…

On the Lighter Side (January 2013)

[506 words] Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child. I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked…

On the Lighter Side (December 2014)

[328 words] Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.” — A man was applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after…

On the Lighter Side (November 2014)

[397 words] A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly…

On the Lighter Side (March 2019)

[258 words] Too Many CatsTeacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”Johnny: “Seven.”Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I…

On the Lighter Side (October 2014)

[430 words] A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?” — According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years…

On the Lighter Side (September 2014)

[445 words] Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, an elderly woman received a jury duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year,”…

On the Lighter Side (August 2014)

[436 words] Donna’s father was visiting for a week, and since he was a pretty good fix-it man, she left him a note before she went to work. It read: “Dad, mileage counter on treadmill not working. Any ideas? Love, Donna.” When she returned home, she read his reply: “Donna, walk until you get tired.…

On the Lighter Side (July 2014)

[396 words] A little boy and his daddy were looking at a litter of puppies, planning to buy one, and the daddy asked the boy which one he wanted. The lad pointed to a pup whose tail was wagging furiously and said, “That one with the happy ending!” – How Adam Had It Easy 1.…

On the Lighter Side (June 2014)

[374 words] A none-too-alert motorist sat motionless behind the wheel of his car. The traffic signal changed from green to yellow to red and back to green again. Still he sat staring ahead. Whereupon a police officer approached the absentminded man and demanded: “Mister, don’t we have any colors you like?” – There is a…

On the Lighter Side (May 2014)

[347 words] An announcement that actually appeared in a church bulletin: “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget to bring your husband.” — A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that…

On the Lighter Side (April 2014)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets our of his car…

On the Lighter Side (March 2014)

One day the preacher asked for everyone who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hand. One little boy up front did not raise his hand. The preacher called him out. “Son, don’t you want to go to heaven someday?” The boy said, “Yes, but I thought you were getting up a bunch to…

On the Lighter Side (January 2014)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the…

On The Lighter Side (February 2019)

[281 words] My Punny Valentine 1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don’t care who knows it! 2. What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance? 3. How can you tell if a calendar is popular? It has a lot of dates! 4.…

On the Lighter Side (October 2015)

[418 words] A Special License After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees and said, “Here’s your phone.” “What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked. “Easy,” said the coach. “It says you…

On the Lighter Side (September 2015)

[426 words] A Special License A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?” “Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I…

On the Lighter Side (August 2015)

[442 words] The Coin Toss By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend.…

On the Lighter Side (January 2019)

[ 216 words] Valentine’s Humor Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring. Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed? A: Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage? What Every Girl Wants for Valentine’s Day…

On the Lighter Side (December 2018)

[134 words] Reindeer GamesQ: What do you call a blind reindeer?A: I have no eye deer. Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?A: Rude-olph. Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer?A: A cariboo. Q: What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?A: This one’s gonna sleigh you! Q: Why does…

On the Lighter Side (November 2018)

[97 words] A Sudden Fall “Congratulations Mr. Smith,” said the Psychiatrist. “I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion.” “Thanks, I guess,” answered Mr. Smith grimly. “But what’s wrong?” asked the psychiatrist. “Why do you sound so depressed?” “Wouldn’t you be down if one day you’re the President and the…

On the Lighter Side (October 2018)

[143 words] Watch Your Step One fall day a young mother and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” The youngest child, a four-year-old, asked, “Better not squash what?” Oh,…

On the Lighter Side (September 2018)

[266 words] Over the Counter “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.” Not on the Same Page A little girl had just started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said,…

On the Lighter Side (August 2018)

[116 words] Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Pupil: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much. Kid: I think we need a new teacher. Mom: Why is that? Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers. Mom: What did you learn today? Kid: Not enough.…

On the Lighter Side (July 2015)

Don’t Monkey With Me! A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again,…

On the Lighter Side (July 2018)

[191 words] Forgiveness There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before.…

On the Lighter Side (June 2018)

[96 words] Dad JokesQ: How many apples grow on a tree?A: All of them. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?A: An impasta. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, not atmosphere. Lack of KnowledgeYears ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home…

On the Lighter Side (May 2018)

[131 words] Things Mom Taught Me: Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.…

On the Lighter Side (April 2018)

[214 words] April GroanersQ: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?A: Because they just finished a 31-day March! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?A: An umbrella! Q: What letter is like a spring flower?A: The letter A, because a bee comes after it. Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?A:…

On the Lighter Side (March 2018)

[233 words] ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Spring FeverFour high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out…

On the Lighter Side (June 2015)

The Atheist and the Bear An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as…

On the Lighter Side (May 2015)

[415 words] MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.” Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb…

On the Lighter Side (February 2018)

[194 words] Dream ValentineOne morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.That evening, Jim home with a small package and…

On the Lighter Side (January 2018)

[227 words] All in How You View ItAn optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Perfect TimingThe last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to…

On the Lighter Side (April 2015)

A minister selected a fifty-cent item in a discount store, but he suddenly realized he had no money with him. He said to the clerk, “I could invite you to come hear me preach, but I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” The clerk said, “Maybe I could come hear you twice.” — “Now how many…

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